Let me borrow from one of the comments from the Sunday Inquirer feature: “When the Lord pours, He never stops.” This is happening to me. In the past months, I have been receiving blessings, one after another, and this continues. Perhaps the natural reaction is to be extremely happy and proud but this is not the case with me.
Though I am thankful, I was not that happy. At times, I felt that my heart was heavy. There were also times when my mind seemed floating, drifting to a place I am not sure where. I tried to write because I have so many things I want to write about for this blog but I cannot force myself to finish any blog post. I knew that my heart was not in the right place.
Until one day, a friend asked: “Of all the things that burden you, which burdens you the most?” I honestly did not know. Then I just said: “My mind is bothered by so many things but there is one thing that always crosses my mind. I worry about my husband; I wonder if he is really doing okay.” Then I cried. That was it.
The one thing that I am really, really praying to have is a complete, happy family. Nothing more. With all the graces I am being blessed with, that is the only thing that is missing. At this point in my life, I see myself taking a step back. I am anxious now that everything is getting clearer– my goal is fixed on something of this world, on a relationship I hope to be in- but the Lord offers so much more and I am refusing. I am afraid that with the bigger picture God sees for me, and the greater calling I am now made to see, the thought that I may need to let go of the one thing I really want holds me back. But these are all in my mind so I turned to the bible to find answers. Doing my habit of just opening a page, I was stunned by His response:
15 And it came to pass, when I, even I Daniel, had seen the vision, and sought for the meaning, then, behold, there stood before me as the appearance of a man.
16 And I heard a man’s voice between the banks of Ulai, which called, and said, Gabriel, make this man to understand the vision.
17 So he came near where I stood: and when he came, I was afraid, and fell upon my face: but he said unto me, Understand, O son of man: for at the time of the end shall be the vision. Daniel 8:15-17
Salvation and eternal life– these are the graces I have to fix my eyes on. These are things bigger than what I can ever ask for myself or any person could ever hope for me. The message is now clear. My aim is fixed on such a little thing but I need to move beyond it. Daunting, but I will follow His leading while I pray that He prepares me for whatever He plans.
It is humbling to realize that a person, though ordinary, is seen, deeply valued by God, and blessed tremendously. Though there may be some things that I still pray for, I know someday, He will give me the desires of my heart. While I continue living this life and waiting for God to answer my prayers, I pray that my heart will always be in the right place and that I continue to find joy in obeying Him.
So dear friend, maybe now you think God is ignoring you because you may feel you are going nowhere but I hope to remind you that He sees you and is listening to you. He may be telling you something as well but your aim is off-target. Will you continue to insist on what you think is best for you?
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